Man, That Is Very Good

Of course, you didn't really think all this soft, mushy, daddy-to-be stuff was going to take over the site, did you?

from Something Awful:

Guitarist, QVC regular and all around swarthy character Esteban has a diet that consists entirely of bottled tanning lotion. He used to be able to just apply the tanning cream to his skin, but he has become so mysterious and tan that he must now inject it directly into his veins. When former child star Danny Bonaduce tries to eat normal food it will pass through his body completely undigested. He can drink water and remain hydrated, but for actual nutrition he has to punch vitamins out of spouses. After a long process of trial and error Bonaduce has discovered that his wife's face is an excellent source of battered calcium and a haymaker to her sternum will provide him with a week's worth of niacin.

Another interesting case of celebrities synchronizing their eating habits involves the cast of hit TV show "Friends." During the shooting of the series the stars of the show developed an elaborate internal ecosystem. Courteney Cox and David Schwimmer would graze on various raw vegetables and develop large tumors on their haunches that dropped off periodically. These tumors would be collected by Lisa Kudrow, who would eat them and use the energy they provided her to reproduce herself through asexual budding. Kudrow homunculi would fall from her chest and back and grow to maturity in a matter of hours. Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry would then hunt down the Kudrows and consume them for nutrients.

The hideous death screams of the Kudrows could be heard all night long on the set and when the morning came the crew would have to hose the blood off of everything. Because the Kudrow spawn were indistinguishable from the original it is likely that Lisa Kudrow was killed and eaten quite early in the taping of the series.

Rubber-skinned Matt LeBlanc existed as an omnivorous scavenger on the set. At night and even in between takes LeBlanc could be seen wriggling across the floor on his belly sucking up any excrement or dead skin cells the other cast members might have dropped. He would frequently disappear, only to be found curled inside the skeleton of a Kudrow, sucking the sheath of muscle from its ribcage. The end of "Friends" heralded the end of this carefully-evolved ecosystem. Since then, the cast members have starved and withered, most clinging to life and celebrity by their bloody fingertips.

posted by Unknown @ 2:44 PM